Sexual Education
by Owl and Crow
Summary: Sirius thought the reason that Lily hadn't shagged James was because she didn't understand the ins and outs of procreation. This Lily dearest is a penis. It is used to have sex with and to pee. Lily and James


"This next poem that I'm going to read is called Indifference. I would read it, but I just don't care." – Me

A/N: This is just a regular one shot. It has no link to my other stories.

CAUTION: This story is kind of risqué, so be warned!

Disclaimer: I own only the plot. Alas I own nothing else!

I dedicate this one shot to my brand new kitten Sirius Black! He's so cute! And he's certainly lived up to his name. He's very naughty and gets into everything! He is currently pissing off my two other cats.

Sexual Education

Sirius had an odd way of helping his friends. Truth be told he really wanted nothing more than to make the few people he cared about as happy as possible. Or as happy as he was. So, he would go out of his way to do unnecessary thing and often ending up just causing trouble.

Like in his first year he wrote a scathing Howler to Remus' mother about how her poor hygiene was the real cause of her constant illness. He pointed out in said letter that she was really taking away from her child's school experiences by forcing her son to return home so often. As can be expected, this did not go over well. Remus received a Howler in return and Sirius received a brutal fist to the face from Remus.

Remus' ungrateful response to Sirius' "help" did not deter him from offering more to aid his fellow Marauders through their school years. In his fourth year he tried to help Peter pass a Potions' test via a complex concoction of signals. Most of which involved him coughing or sneezing a certain number of times. Unfortunately Sirius forgot to tell Peter what he intended to do, so in the end Peter still failed and Sirius was sent to the Hospital Wing for his supposed cold.

But Sirius saved most of his special brand of "helping" for his very best friend. James Potter got the grunt of Sirius' charity. He did everything from ask Lily Evans out on James' behalf to kidnapping Lily and dragging her to Three Broomsticks where James was waiting. (The whole kidnapping thing was not James' idea. He had been waiting at the Three Broomsticks because his deranged best mate told him to.) The unpleasant result to all this was James getting yelled at by a fiery petite red head. Luckily for Sirius, James never blamed his friend for any of it.

That was until Lily and James began dating.

Even though the two were together and very happy, Sirius still thought that it was in their best interest if he kept "helping". In his good opinion he had been the reason they got together in the first place. It had nothing to do with the fact that Remus finally smacked James and told him, he 'better grow up or Lily Evans is never going to touch you the way you want her to.'

At first Sirius could not see anything wrong with the couple's relationship. Absolutely nothing that needed his helping hand. You can imagine that this worried him considerably. If he could not see their problems, then it would be impossible for them to solve those problems. Because there was no way they could handle it themselves.

It was Sirius' good fortune that James was not tight lipped about his issues with his lady love, when he probably should have been. As it turned out after six months of dating, Lily Marie Evans had yet to shag poor Prongsie's brains out. Or let him touch her the way he so dearly wanted to. She would not even touch him in anyway that would sate his irrational teenage boy needs.

Perfect………

For Sirius anyway, James was pretty upset about it.

----

It was the last week of school when Sirius decided to make his move, on his friend's behalf of course. Lily was sitting in the Common Room hoping to savor her last few moments in the castle that she loved so dearly. She should have known that as long as Sirius Black was in the vicinity there was no hope of peace.

You see, Sirius thought that the reason Lily had not shagged James was because she did not understand the ins and outs of procreation. Which of course was far from the truth. So, he drew her a crude picture and pushed it in her face.

"Black, what the hell is that?!" Lily demanded, her cheeks glowing red at the sight.

"This, Lily dearest, is a penis. It's used to have sex with and to pee," Sirius explain in what he hoped was an intelligent voice. Lily swung her book at his head.

"I know what it is, you bloody imbecile!" Lily yelled.

"Then why did you ask?" Sirius rubbed his bruised forehead.

"Why are you showing this disgusting picture?" She tried to be rational and level minded. This imp like creature sitting in front of her was her boyfriend's best mate after all. Perhaps he deserved to be heard.

Perhaps…

"This is not disgusting!" No, she was wrong. He did not deserve to be heard. "It's a beautiful part of the human form! It breeds life, and love, and babies, and oh so much pleasure, and thin yellow stream that goes tinkle- hey, where are you going!? I haven't gotten to the vagina yet! You can't leave until you hear about the vagina!"

Lily stomped up to the Seventh Year boys dorm rooms, where her boyfriend was no doubt hiding. She did this to Sirius' delight, because that meant that he could follow her. As they ascended the stairs Sirius went on about the vagina and its many functions. Most of which, in Sirius' mind, revolved around being screwed and popping out babies.

Lily was tempted to punch him down the stairs but contained herself and hoped that James would do it for her. She tried her best to ignore Sirius' tugging at her skirt and insistence that 'it would all make more sense if you would just let me show you.'

James looked up when they came into the dorm room. Seeing that his best mate was just being stupid, he shook his head and went back to his Quidditch magazine. As can be expected, this did not go over well with his girlfriend.

"JAMES HAROLD POTTER!!!!!!!!!" That got his attention.

"What is it, baby?" James asked.

"Make this lunatic stop talking about my-" she gestured around the area in question and James gave her a quizzical look. She grabbed the front of his robes and whispered in his ear. James' eyes got wide.

He punched Sirius very hard in the face.

"I'm doing you a bloody favor, you bloody pillock! And you punch me in the bloody face, you bloody butt munch!"

"How is talking about my girlfriend's naughty bits doing me a bloody fucking favor?!" James demanded.

"You said she wouldn't fuck you!" Sirius yelled back.

"You said what?!" Lily yelled.

"He said that you won't let him touch any of your 'naughty bits' and that you won't touch any of his 'naughty bits' and that on top of that you won't even shag 'im," Sirius said.

"So, let me get this straight," Lily said, turning on James. "You're best mate comes to me with a hand drawn picture of a penis, because you told him we weren't intimate, is that right?"

"No, he said that you haven't shagged him or touched his tallywagger and it's drivin' him mad with lustful-"

"I think she gets the point, Sirius!" James yelled interrupting him. "And you drew her a picture of what?!"

"I drew her a beautiful picture of the male genitalia." Sirius produced the picture and handed it to James.

"I should kill you," was his response.

"I did you a favor! You bleeding jerk," Sirius said.

"You drew a picture of a penis and pushed it in my poor innocent girlfriend's face! Tell me how that is doing me a favor?" James asked.

"I'm not that innocent," Lily snapped.

"Not when I'm done with you," Sirius said wiggling his eyebrows. James punched him again, this time in the stomach. "That was uncalled for!"

"Then don't you flirt with my girlfriend!"

"Flirt with her!? I'm trying to get her to sleep with you." At this point Lily hit Sirius. "Ohh, I bet she'll be dynamite in the sack!" he 'whispered' to James.

"You're an ass!"

"Look, the only reason you wouldn't want to shag ole Prongsie here is because you don't know how to have sex. Because there is obviously no other reason not to have horizontal fun with a Marauder. I was merely informing you of the basics."

Lily and James just stared at Sirius for a moment, before Lily spoke up. "You don't need to 'teach' me how to have sex, Sirius. I'm not refraining from sleeping with your friend because I don't know how to do it."

Now it was Sirius and James' turn to stare at Lily, before Sirius had the bad idea of opening his mouth. "So, you've had sex before. Girl's a bloody Scarlet Woman, James! You shouldn't want to have sex with her-"

"You're a hypocrite, Sirius Black!" Lily yelled effectively shutting Sirius up. "How many girl have you shagged over the years, you man whore?!"

"How could you let her speak to me that way, James?!" Sirius demanded of his best mate.

"You just called her a Scarlet Woman!" James said, indignantly.

"Well, she's the one prancing around the school, acting like prude, when all along she was sleeping around behind your back!" Sirius incorrectly pointed out.

"Sirius," Lily said, as calmly as possible, "just because I know about sex, that doesn't mean I've ever had it."

"I told you she was a prude," Sirius mumbled. Remus chose that moment to walk in and immediately regretted it. "Lily's a Scarlet Woman!!!" Sirius yelled at Remus.

"I highly doubt that," Remus said.

"Sirius is a man whore and a bad drawer!" Lily yelled mostly at Sirius.

"AHHH! I am a good drawer! You just can't appreciate how awesome I am!"

"You drew two ovals and a squiggly line and called it a penis, numb nuts!" Lily said.

"I'm really upset that I decided to come up here," Remus said.

"I'm really upset they decided to come up here," James said.

"Okay, I'm done with you," Lily looked away from Sirius and turned on James.

"Well, I'm done with you! I try to do you a bloody favor and this is how I'm thanked? Well, la de fucking da! You just see if I ever do you another favor!" Sirius yelled.

"It'll be too soon," Lily mumbled. She shook her head. "This is all your fault, James!"

"What?!" The boyfriend in question did not take this well.

"Yeah, what?" Sirius asked. He was glad to have the blame shifted away from him, but was nonetheless very confused.

"If you hadn't gone blabbing our personal issues to your cronies-"

"Marauders," Sirius interjected.

"Whatever! That bumbling moron-"

"HEY!"

"Would have never put that vile picture in my face and he wouldn't have been pulling on my skirt so he could show me where it goes." She growled out the last bit and Sirius received another punch from James.

"FAVOR! ME DO YOU NO MORE OF THEM!"

"Keep your bloody favors to yourself, you bloody pillock! You've gone and got my girlfriend pissed at me, when I haven't done anything!"

"You told your stupid friends-"

"Marauders."

"What ever! That I won't shag you!"

"Well, you just told the whole bloody Gryffindor tower!" James yelled.

"Don't you shout at me! I haven't done anything wrong! You're the one in trouble here!" Lily yelled back.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"This wouldn't be a problem if you'd just shag me." That got James slapped.

"Nice one, Prongs," Remus said. "To be honest, I'd have hit for that as well."

"No one asked for your honesty, Moony," James growled. The werewolf shrugged.

"If you'd just keep our business between us, none of this would have ever happened," Lily said.

"Look, I'm sorry all right. I should have known not to talk about sex in front Sirius."

"You need to learn to control your self and this won't happen again," Lily said.

"You make it sound so easy," James sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Lily swatted his hand away from his head.

"Stop that," she ordered.

"Stop what?"

"The hair thing. You know it irritates me."

"I know a lot of things that irritate you, Lily. But that doesn't mean I've stop doing them," James snapped.

"Why are you picking a fight with me, James Potter?" Lily asked harshly.

"Why did I have to apologize for my mate's stupid idea?!" Sirius chose this time to step in. He did this, of course, foolishly.

"Hey, hey, hey," he began, "you know I hate it when you two argue over me." Both Lily and James scowled at Sirius. "It seems my plan to get you two shagging has gone a bit off track. Perhaps, and I am abashed to say this, but perhaps it is Prongsie here who needs the sex ed class." Sirius snatched up his drawing. "This is penis!"

James promptly tackled Sirius.

"Does this happen often?" Lily asked Remus.

"Not as often as Sirius deserves," Remus said. Lily nodded. She casually, almost uncaringly, walked over to the wrestling boys. James seemed to be trying to stuff Sirius' tie into Sirius mouth, while Sirius was trying to explain what a penis is meant to do.

Lily pulled out her wand and with a lazy flick of her wrist separated the two.

"I ought to have smothered you when I had the chance!" James yelled at his best mate.

"Now, the vagina is an interesting piece of machinery. Hey, Lils, could you lift up your shirt so I can show James exactly- AHHH!" Sirius covered his head with his arms as James came flying at him again. Luckily, Lily was in the way and stopped James by placing one hand between his legs.

The room seemed to freeze.

Remus looked over the scene with mild amusement mixed with a lot of disgust. Lily had her petite left hand firmly on James' most prized piece of anatomy with a bored look on her face. James seemed too shocked and pleased to move, while Sirius ventured a glance out from behind his arms. He let out a whoop of approval.

"Are you happy now?" Lily asked. James swallowed hard and nodded. "Good. Now, if you're a good boy I'll let you touch my bottom tomorrow. But on one condition!"

"What is I'll do anything!" That is what James said. But it came out so fast that all Sirius and Remus heard was a mass of sounds smashed together.

"No more telling your friends about our problems. Especially not him!" Lily pointed at Sirius and then walked out of the room.

The three Marauders remained in silence for a moment.

"I knew I'd get you laid."

The End


End file.
